My Longest Time Lover

This draft was created since April. It was a difficult article, as a lot of my feelings and emotions for the relationship could not be expressed in precise words. There is so much memories coming back that it could be written as lengthy as a book, but at the same time, it could not be fully expressed out. Whatever it is, as long as my lover knows what I am trying to say, that's good enough. Hubby, I am not writing about you yet, please don't get upset. There will be your turn someday... be patient.

I used to be a very quiet girl without much confidence when I was young. I came from a typical Chinese speaking family. When I was transferred from a Chinese to an English school at pri 3, half the time I couldn't understand what my Indian Form Teacher was talking. For survival, I struggle to get a companion to get a sense of security in school. I chose a friend to stick to and followed her wherever she went, even followed her to the Monkey Bar area at a corner of the school. This was the place where I started my first "relationship", which lasted until today.

I got to know this girl who loves swinging all over the place on the Monkey Bar and I gave her the name "Ali Ba Ba". We were in the same class during Pri 4, but weren't very close yet. Our "yuan fen" started only when we went to the same secondary school and ended up in the same class. Again she became the target that I sticked to and followed. I even joined the same ECA as her. Through out the secondary school days, she had many close friends, but I just refused to explore building closer relationships with other people. We gossips every nite on the phone, we had arguments once every few nites. I always felt that she was too nice to all the "nasty people". Still, I sticked by her, cos she is the only person I could confide. We quarreled over big and small issues, scrutinise into every single bit of each other's word and actions. I felt stressful, but still I didn't ever think of giving up this friend. We went through so much ups and downs, thick and thin, we cried and laugh together. We shared everything we had, including the clothes, even though we were of different size. She was fleshy and busty while I was flat and bony, we could still exchange our waredrobe.

We went to different schools for our A level, she went to JC and I went to Pre-U Institute. If only I could get into JC, I would have chosen the same JC as her. But the separation didn't stop us from staying closed. We stayed over night at each other's home very often and we talked through the night till 4am. When I was at her place, we shared the queen size bed. When she was at my place, she had my bed while I slept on the floor. Through the years, we continued to have many arguments and discussions. Our friendship had gone so strong that I thought : IF WE ARE OF DIFFERENT GENDER, WE WOULD HAVE MARRIED EACH OTHER LONG AGO & HAVE OUR CHILDREN BY NOW.

When we went on to pursue our Degree course, she went to NTU, I went to SIM. During this time, I felt threatened. Not only did I feel the gap between our intellectual level getting bigger, she was also getting very close to a male classmate. I kind of got jealous and I always questioned her if she was in a relationship with this young man. I couldn't accept what she concluded as just 'very close friend'. If this guy continued to be this close to you, he would frightened off all the other potential guys. If this guy was just a close friend, I would feel that I would be "demoted" to no. 2. Anyhow, some misunderstanding happened that their friendship went bust. My "status" was back to the "safe zone" again.

In my 2 relationships, both guys had the similar feeling that I was placing too much focus and importance on this woman, they felt threatened too. My husband, during our initial courtship, suspect that we were lesbian. He even asked me, between this woman and him, who would I choose. My answer really broke his heart at that moment, well surprisingly he still marry me (maybe he had been convinced that I am straight). But at that moment, how could I give up someone who had been in my life for 20 years for someone that I just started building a relationship for a year. I think my husband had understood this point and never asked the same question again.

In all my important moments (except the time that I gave birth), be it good or bad, she had been with me. I remembered clearly on the day when my sister went missing from home, she was the one who went with me to make a police report. She was the only one who was with me and held on to me tightly when the police broke the news of my sis's suicide. She was supposed to stay at home to study for her exam for the following day, and yet she put down her study to be with me, stayed by me and gave me the courage to break this shocking news to my mum. Even my then boyfriend told me he couldn't come for the wake as his mum (super superstitious) did not want him to so.

Its been 25 years, this relationship still goes on... We may not be spending as much time together now, and we may be living a different life, but our hearts still connect. We had promised each other when we turned 60, we would buy each other a diamond ring. We also promised each other we would spend a white Christmas together.

Alice, my friend, my sister, my lover, I am so blessed to have you in my life. You have inspired me so much that you make me take on a positive attitude towards life and I know I will continue to be a happy woman throughout. Thank you and I love you.