Virgin Productions

Lately, I have 2 virgin productions. First, I design the artwork for Aron's birthday goodie bag, followed by Asher's birthday goodie bag. See Picture 1 & 2.

Pic 1 Pic 2

Though the designs are not fantastically impressive, at least, they mark the beginning of my creative design. Sons, do remember, without you, mummy probably will not ever start to do this. Hope this will make you feel proud in school.


The next production is... ta-da....

CUP CAKES!

Well, I bought a new mini oven a few months ago, after getting rid of the microwave oven which was sitting in my kitchen for a few years as white elephant. So, I decided, I should not let my new mini oven become the next white elephant.

I followed a recipe from a blog which says: 15 minutes cup-cake, and it is suppose to be fail-proof.

Guess what, at my first attempt, I put in the wrong amount of milk to the mixture of sugar, eggs, and butter. Instead of 60ml of milk stated in the recipe, I mistook it for 600ml of milk! And I actually beat the mixture till I suspected something was not right. Lucky, I didn't complete the mixing and put it in the oven. So after realising my mistake, I told my maid to throw away the mixture. She stared at me with big eyes. Yes, very wasteful, cos its a big bowl of mixture with 3 eggs, that I was throwing away.

I repeated the steps again. This time, the amount of all the ingredients were added without mistakes anymore. But manually beating the mixture was quite tiring.

I made another mistake. I bought the cake cups which the size were too big for the pan hole, so the look of the entire cupcakes were not as presentable as it could be.

But, the taste.....its yummy, at least, for a first timer, I am satisfied with my results. Everyone in my family said its not bad. Even MIL who doesn't take any food with dairy product also tasted a small tiny bit, and think its ok. She suggested that I use "coa-coa" instead of "milk" next time, so that she could eat it.

I shall post the pictures of my virgin cup cakes soon.

Updates

Its been quite a while since I last wrote on the blog.

Since I finished the Asiaworks Advanced Course, I went chalet at Pasir Ris Coasta Sand Resort. Then I worked on Aron's birthday goodie bag design (I spent a lot of time on this, cos it was my first time designing, without much knowledge or any guidance. Though it didn't look fantasitic, it was my virgin production after all). Half way through, I got an acute appendicitis attack, got into TTSH for surgery. I was suppose to take up an assignment, working at an event, but got to turn it down at the last minute. 2 days after I was discharged, in my dizziness and swelling stomache, I continued with the preparation for Aron's birthday goodie, went sourcing for the gift items. Finally after Aron's birthday, I packed up for my family's luggage, and off we flew to HK.

HK was damn hot. As I had not been there for 8-9 years, I had forgotten many places which I used to shop last time. Its quite challenging to balance the time and places to go, to accomodate different interests for all the family members. My children only interested in toys and play areas, MIL and myself interested in shopping. FIL more keen in sight-seeing. My poor hubby, didn't even dare to think where he wanted to go, he is there to work, not to enjoy. We ended splitting up, going in different directions - obviously, I brought MIL for shopping, while Kenny and FIL looked after the children. Though Kenny went HK a couple of times, but I couldn't count on him for giving me the list of shopping places. In fact, I think I know the shopping areas better than him, despite I had not been there for a long time. Imagine, he didn't even know where to get the famous "Yuen Long Lau Po Bing" (which I was craving), and ended up walking down the street, searching for the shop, then came back empty-handed & with frustration. In the end, with much unwillingness, I bought the not so fantastic Lau Po Bing from airport.

HK Disneyland Resort was really a pleasant surprise. Even MIL said she had never stayed in such a beautiful and luxurious hotel in her entire life. The hotel staff was real sweet to upgrade us to the Premium rooms, as they couldn't give us connecting rooms on our request. The rooms were big and the beds were also very comfortable. My boys enjoyed bath in the tub, while my in-laws were pampered with the Bon Cafe coffee made from the coffee maker. The bedroom slippers could be brought home as souvenirs, but I only brought the kids size back for the boys, and I packed all the slipper bags (6 pcs in 2 rooms) into my luggage - they are really useful for keeping my large volume of shoes. With about S$300 per room night, I decided to just stay for 1 night. We were greeted by the Disney characters at the cafe during breakfast. They went from table to table to greet the guests, be it young or old, with their cheerful smile. We snapped quite a number of photos together.

As for the Disneyland itself, to me, it wasn't as good as the ones in LA and Japan, but at least, the boys love it. With their timidness, they only took a few rides which were considered the mildest ones, like the Train-Ride, Merry-Go-Round, Flying Elephants, Tea-Cups and "Its a Small World" - their favourite, cos its so pleasant and sweet. The boys were horrified by the jungle boat ride, which they saw animals like crocodile, snakes, elephants, gorillas, as well as skeletons along the way, that Asher cried so badly throughout. The last part of all - the exploding cave which came rolling out with fire balls and smoke - Aron also burst out in tears. So, you can see how much adventure my boys can take. Therefore, we decided to keep within their "safety zone". The fire works was beautiful, even though we were standing at the furthest possible place to watch. I managed to keep my frightening Aron watching the whole show by carrying him and covering his ears, then slowing uncovered them as he started to relax. In fact, there wasn't much loud sound from the fire-works, unlike those we see at National Day Parade. Maybe, they understand the children's fear. Despite of the little sound, Asher was still scared to death and refused to stay on to watch. The grand-parents, being quite protective, worried he would get "over frightened", brought him out of the park in no time and waited for us outside.

At the end of the trip, I was so glad that we were finally home, as it was really tiring. MIL only got herself 1 blouse and 1 bag, while I got 6 pieces of clothing and 4 pairs of shoes. Obviously my boys were loaded with toys. Kenny, with my guilt conscious of "throwing" the boys to him, got 2 shirts from me. The most pathetic FIL got nothing, and yet worked throughout the trip as nanny without complaining. Really appreciate his commitment towards my sons.

Just few days after we came back, Kenny popped out the question: Where shall we go for the next trip? What about Bali on 1st Oct? At first, I was thinking he might be referring to just me and him. I thought we deserve to go for a relaxing trip that is meant for just both of us and to charge ourselves up. To my disappointment, he was referring to the whole family again. As he brought this idea up to MIL, she begun to look forward to another overseas trip already.

Sometimes, I just wonder: is it that I am too selfish to think about enjoying myself without the children? Or is it that my man doesn't feel its important enough for us to spend some couplehood time. I had mentioned to him a few times about it, but nothing was planned or done so far. Apparently, i think this is not important enough to him, otherwise he would have taken actions. Or maybe, he feels that going for 3 hour Spa together every few months would be sufficient to sustain our romance.

Well, I can't complain much, cos after all, I do have a very very very committed and responsible man, that has done every possible things to keep the whole family happy, to the extend that he doesn't even get to rest on weekends. A man with absolutely no extra time for himself, I don't know if I should expect him to think about couplehood time.

Stay Focus to Love

Yesterday, I had a very enjoyable tea time with my friend, Michelle. She told me she had hugged her brother on his birthday. At first, she was worried about taking this action, cos this wasn't the "normal" practice in her family. But she told herself, she shouldn't wait for other people to show their love before she starts showing hers. She wouldn't care how her brother would react, she just wanted to let her brother know that she loves him. So she took the brave act. She felt really good after that. I was fascinated and inspired.

I had stretched myself by telling my mum a few times I love her. I am sure she got my message by now. So last night, to take a step further, I planned to kiss her good night. It really wasn't easy to take this action, as I find it very awkward. But I had made this declaration to my friend earlier, so I told myself I must do it.

I used a very cunning method, in fact. Before Aron went to bed, I told him to go and say goodnight to Po Po and give her a kiss. I said, "Mummy will also do the same." Aron went straight in to Po Po's room and did everything I told him to do. then he turned to me and said: "Mummy's turn". With lots of excitement, I went up to kiss my mum. Aron smiled. My mum? She was laughing so happily.

Thanks to my friends out there, who give me the support that I need to take this action. I felt really good.

Ever since my mum moved in to stay with me, we had conflicts so often, that I started to talk lesser to her and even avoided her. We could never see eye to eye on the maid's issue. The maid had become a wall between us. Even with no maid, it didn't help much. I always question myself why is my mum so controlling, so stubborn, so unreasonable, so insensitive, so unsympathetic and so selfish. She had never put herself in my position and understood my difficulties. I thought I would only get the peace only when she is no longer around. Or maybe, I should work a way out to let her stay somewhere else and come back occasionally. Her bitterness had not only affected me, but also to my entire family, as well as my relationship with my husband sometimes.

But now, I truly understand this - I had allowed these conflicts and issues to affect my emotions and block my focus of loving her. I realize these will never go away between us, so why should I let it ruin my relationship with her. By holding on to the considerations so tightly, I will lose my focus. This will not work for me and our relationship.

So, for now, whenever mum complains to me about the maid again, I am no longer affected, cos it is not important to me. I continue to show up my love. If there is a need, I will change the maid every 6 months, without getting myself frustrated anymore.

Beautiful Mum

I used to be the one who initiated kissing my boys. Then they would just reciprocate back in the same manner. Asher, being the shy boy, hardly kiss me back, unless I asked for it.

But these 2 days I felt something different. Asher started to initiate the kissing. Aron, who had been quite generous in giving kisses, continues to be as loving as ever when he kisses me.

I heard of a story recently, which touched me. It was about a mother's beauty that showed up out of love. This mother is a beautician, who looks simple and pleasant. It all just happened when she was talking to a customer about beauty. While its obvious that this mother's boss looks much glamorous, the customer told her that she just felt that the beautician is more beautiful. Feeling touched, the beautician started to share her story and her view about beauty.

The beautician told the customer that she has 2 daughters, of which, the elder one has become nun to serve the Lord, while the younger daughter is currently studying in a overseas university, majoring in mass communication and psychology. The young daughter has chosen to write on a thesis about "How to Deal With Difficult Child". Out of curiosity, the customer asked if the young daughter has any children or has been a teacher. The answers were nos. Then how would she know the best way of dealing with difficult children when she has no experience? The beautician answered "That's because she felt that she was a difficult child herself".

When the younger daughter was a little girl. She gave her mum lots of hard time, as she was really a stubborn little girl. Once, she would not tell her mum that she didn't want to take her meal. She said she would eat in her bedroom. So she took her plate of rice and dishes, walked straight into the bedroom, and locked the door. After a while, she took the empty plate out. Few days later, while her mum was cleaning her room, to her shock, she saw a pile of rotten food in the daughter's cabinet. She didn't scold her and she cleaned up the mess. She told the daughter softly, next time if she didn't want to eat, let her know.

This young daughter loved oranges, but she coughed very often. In order to keep the oranges away from the daughter, the mum kept them in the higher compartment in the fridge. One day, when the mum walked in to the kitchen, she saw her daughter standing on an inverted pail in front of the fridge. She was holding an orange in one hand and a knife in the other, and was trying to figure out how to cut it. Fear that the daughter might hurt herself by getting a fright from her loud voice, the mum called out the daughter's name gently, walked up to her and hugged her from behind. She told her gently that this was not the right way to cut the orange, as she might cut her own hand. She then carried the daughter down to the floor, took away the knife and orange, and showed her the way to cut the orange on the table with a cloth under it.

The daughter grew up and went overseas for study. She made new friends. Many of her friends went wild, once they were away from their families. They were, like prisoners, being set free from control from their parents. They went clubbing, taking pills & drugs, smoking, and even sleeping around. For herself, she didn't have the interest to do all these. Her mum had given her all the freedom to do anything she wanted to do since she was born and having the faith that the daughter would grow up to be a great woman. She felt she had received so much love from her mum that she wanted to love herself more.

As for the elder sister, who had chosen to serve the Lord, she had also received her mum's blessing. As long as that is what the daughter really wants and she will be truely happy doing it, the mum will fully support her and be happy for her. The mum just want the daughters to see the true beauty that comes from love.

In the past, my focus was to make sure my boys grow up with the right behaviour and manners. I would be very firm with them if they are not behaving well. I would shout at the top of my voice when they threw tantrums. I just want them to get my point. I had so much fear that they will go into the wrong path or directions. That would be the end of their future and my hope.

But now, I get to learn that I should have faith in them, believe that they will grow up to be great men, from the love I have for them. Whatever they have done wrong, it doesn't matter to me anymore. Cos if I take on these experiences with me, it will become an obstacle for me to show my love for them. My focus on loving them would be blocked out by my fear of loosing them as perfect children. Though they are not the perfect children and they do have flaw, but I would love them for who they are. My focus on them will be just love.

To all mothers, please continue to love your children and have faith in them. No matter how difficult they are, stay focus on what you want to give them. Anger, disappointment, frustration, etc, will only blocked out your love. Trust that everything else will work well. That is the greatest beauty of a mother.

Suddenly, there is a song that comes to my mind now - The Greatest Love of All.

To The Person Who Is Upset With Me

To the person who is upset with me now,

For things that I said these few days that hurt you badly, I am sorry.

I may have used the wrong words, or wrong approach when I am trying to show my care and concern for you. But in my heart, I just want to be honest and open with you.

I may have misunderstood you. I may have not tried enough to understand what you have been through. But I know for sure, life has been hard for you lately. You have been miserable, drained, stressed, lost and tired. I believe you have tried everything you can. You probably have so much anger that why despite after you putting in so much effort, things still don't work out. You probably have cried so many times. You needed support, you needed the power to live on. If consoling and comforting words could get the results that you want to see, I would do it a hundred times, a thousand times. But things will not change even if I can make you feel better. What I believe is to achieve results that you want.

I am not a preacher, a counselor or a psychiatrist. I just care enough that I want to give you the power to move on. I believe with my honesty and openness, you can feel that I really care and I really want to see miracle happen to you. I know you can achieve this, cos in my eyes, you are a powerful and loving person. You have so much power in you that you don't even know you have it. I want to bring this hidden power out from you, so that you can create miracle to your family and achieve the results you want to have. You win, I win. You loose, I loose. These are not consoling words. These are just the things I believe I can make it happen and you can too.

For whatever I have done, its my love, care and concern for you. I may not be the person that can give you much consolations and comfort. But I will be the person to give you the power that you need to achieve what you want. This will only be possible when you are committed to doing it yourself.

I Set Myself Free

I had just finished my Asiaworks Advanced Course. For the past 5 days, it was really a roller coaster journey for me. However, it was also very revealing of who I really was in the past. I had not noticed them myself, neither could my loved ones who I faced everyday. It was really amazing that in this training, even those who had not spoken to me could see through me. If words were not communicated between us, it must be the energy that I radiate out. You can't hide that energy. If you are real, the energy is real, if you are fake, the energy is fake, if you are in silence, you still have the energy.

Till now I could not exactly tell what is the course about. There is also no right solutions about how to handle specific problems. But I do know what are the things that are possible for me, and whether I have really gone 100% doing it.

In the past, I had hold on certain things badly, which I myself wasn't even aware of it. To put in the right frame, I probably chose to ignore it. But even with me ignoring those things, it had subconciously been put on my shoulders. I thought everything was going smoothly for me, and I could handle it very well, just that sometimes I have my ups and downs. But now I realise, no matter how well I handle the problems, I wasn't in the right set of mind.

After I went through this training, I feel that I could really set myself free. I may not be able to solve certain problems still, I may not have any right solutions, but I know I have the right set of mind to face them and to handle them. Not that I am giving myself with good excuses of not being able to get things done. But I know what results I want to create, what are the obstacles that I set for myself which I have to overcome and whether I have put in 100% effort in my actions. I have been pushing lots of responsibilities and blame away to some other people, like most people do, in order to make myself feel better. But by doing this, I was also being irresponsible.

In the training, I see many types of people, the powerful ones, the weak ones, the vulnerable ones, the resisting ones, the righteous ones, the bitter ones, the lost ones and the violent ones. But we do have a common problem - dealing with own feelings and dealing with relationships, especially with the people who are important to them. All these naturally shows up in the training, no matter how hard they tried to hide. I also see lots of transformations in them after the training. Not that they have changed, but they finally bring out the power that is inside them, be it love, passion, confidence, authenticity, etc, from the support of other people around them. I was very touched to see each and everyone of them, including myself, grow.

These are what we have just brought it to the surface of our lives. Whether we are able to continue to hold these inner power, its really up to individual. Some of them had used it to create many successes in their lives - in relationships, careers, in their own passion, etc. But some just return back to their own original position.

What is going to happen next, I don't know. But for now, I am committed to living my life with love, passion and confidence. I want to bring these across my family and those who are close to me, as well as to the well being of others. Sound sacred? But at least, I believe I can do it.

I Quit

Finally, I quit the part-time job.

Before I started on this part-time job, I couldn't fully convince myself of being a full time stay-at-home tai tai, especially when my house doesn't need me to do cleaning, when my family doesn't need me to prepare their meals, so I thought I should must well contribute to the family financially. Taking up this part-time job was a trial for myself and for my family.

Now, I am fully convinced that I should stay at home... still don't have to do cleaning & prepare all the meals. I have found my true purpose of staying at home.

Recently I saw a documentary on the TV, about the right brain training programme. I have heard about this term long ago, but have never really been interested to find out more about the details. But from the programme, I came to realise how this type of training could benefit the children's learning ability. Its is a brain stimulation programme which helps the children to absorb things faster, increase their memory power and focus, develops their IQ & EQ, widen their creativity, imagination and increase confidence, through a series of activities and regular mental exercise. This form of training could in fact start as early as from birth, up to the age of 6. My sons are aready reaching 3 & 4. But still its better to start now than not doing it at all.

I have always been very lost about how to create an interesting learning envioronment for my children. I couldn't come out with good ideas on creating fun games and acitivites for them. I ended up buying lots of activity books for them, which Asher will choose to do on the pages he likes and Aron just interested in pasting stickers, and scribbling on the books. I was so worried about pulling down their potential of development. Yes, I had been thinking about sending them to art classes, music classes, drama classes & phonics classes, but at the same time, I am concern about overloading them and the financial burden, when I am not even sure what is their true interest.

When I came across this programme, I realise that the most important thing now is to increase their learning interest and ability, create an opportunity for them to be eager to learn (in just anything). Only when this is developed, then they will be able to find out what is their real interest (be it music, art, sports, etc), and they will be automatically asked to go for these courses. They will also pick things up faster.

After doing some research with a few schools, I decided to put Asher into the course right away, no more delay (so I gave up on the school which wants me to wait for another half a year for the next intake). Asher has very strong memory power, and good focus. He also enjoys problem solving. I am so eager to make sure his potential is being developed from this very moment. Not that I am expecting him to become genius, but I don't want to waste anymore time, before the best time to start is over.

However, to see effective results, I also learn that we cannot just count on the school. Lots of training needs to be done at home as well. While I see that Asher is enjoying the lessons, I am also keen to learn the training technics & methods from the teacher.

While I was working in the office, half the time I couldn't concentrate on my work. I kept thinking about the activities I could conduct with the kids, and secretly did some research on the internet, as and when nobody was watching. After a while, my guilt conscious sank in, cos I knew my heart was not on the job. Well, in the first place, the job nature was already not my cup of tea - telemarketing. I felt as if I was working like an insurance agent. So, now that I found out my true purpose of staying at home, I must well don't waste anymore time.

From now on, I primary focus will be attending the trainings with my kids, pick up the skills from the teachers, do research, source and make my own materials and have fun with them every evening. They shall have fun and learn at the same time. This is my ideal way of educating them, as well as creating a positive bonding with them.

My secondary focus is to make use of my new mini oven - start with some REAL simple recipes. Yes, MUST be idiot proof recipes.

Switching from Tai Tai to Part Time Worker

After being Tai Tai for 3 years, I am finally moving out of the house to work on part-time. Its like a bird in the cage being freed. However, a bird that is kept in the cage too long, do have the fear of coping with the outside world for the first day. I felt old, slow and rusty.

This job is on flexi-hour basis, as long as I clock in 100 hours a month. At first, I thought it wouldn't really take up too much time. However, as I started planning for my July working schedule, I realise, my whole entire month is very packed. First, all Fridays are taken up, due to my yoga classes and Asher's new enrichment programme which I have just signed up for him - the brain stimulation programme. Then I have committed myself to the Asiaworks Advanced Course for 5 full days + 2 evenings. After taking into all these considerations, I have to work as much as 7-8 hours a day for the remaining available days. So I left with no time to do research for my online business as well as to start working on some simple recipes with my new mini oven.

Feel like giving up the job already...

Well, its really a time for me to test out if I can work full time while my family can cope without me around.

Give myself another 2 more weeks, we shall see...

Mother's Love

I was about to leave home today for a temporary assignment which I have taken up 2 days ago, while I received a sms. It was a mother (my relative) who said her daughter had left home. My immediate thought: this mother's heart must be in great pain, she needed my support. Without second thought, I was at her place within half hour.

Through the conversation, I know the mother still love her daughter very much, cos she cried every time whenever I asked her if she wanted her daughter back. The answers were: yes and of course.

But things just were not working out between them, due to lack of honesty, trust and difference in moral standards. Maybe, the mother and daughter didn't know how to handle each other and their relationship. Yes, this is a life learning process, they have to put in their effort to learn it together. I also have a lot to learn for building a better relationship with my children.

Since the daughter was born, she has been her mother's pride. The mother had always seen her as a bright little pretty girl who has the potential to achieve great success. She would imagine that this little girl will grow up, have good and bright career, marry a nice man and have a happy family. This is every mother's wish and all mother's greatest happiness. It doesn't matter how much the mother would suffer, as long as they see the children having great life. Even her child achieve nothing, she will not love her less. In the mother's eyes, her child will always be a child, no matter at what age. She will always want to protect the child till she leaves the world. After experiencing close relationships with friends, boyfriends, husband and children, I realise my love for my children is the most powerful one. I think this happen to all mothers. How great is a mother's love.

I could imagine how painful it is to see her child turn her back and walk away. If my children ever do that, I think my heart will bleed to death.

To the mother and the family: its a rough time for you now, but my two cents worth of advice is: this is not a time to blame each other for what has happened (it is always easier to push the blame to others than to put the faults on own self for what has gone wrong), rather, it is a time where everyone do your best to bring the whole family back together and do not let it fall apart. While patiently wait for the return of the daughter, remember to continue to love each other (show it, the right way).

To the daughter: leaving home will not solve the problem, it is just a way to avoid and to worsen the relationship, not just with the mother, but with the rest of the family. If you still love the family, and don't want the family to fall apart, be brave to return home, for the door of your home is always open for you. If everybody has a common goal: to bring the family back, you will naturally find a way to work things out, by having an honest and open conversation and coming out with mutual agreements. If you want to show that you can be independent, you can still show it when you are at home, with the support from your family, of course.

I have been through teenage. At that point of time, I thought how come I have such a "shitty family", I also had thought of leaving home. Now, in my 30s, as a wife and mother, I am thankful for the kind of family that I have, which shape me into who I am today. I no longer remember a single thing which my mum hurt me when I was young, I have long forgotten all my hatred for her too. I just wanted to treasure the rest of my time with her, for she has little time left. I do not want to have any regrets of not treating her well enough.

Maybe we should start asking ourselves these questions: What kind of family do you want to create. What actions do you need to take to create this result. Can you put in your 100% effort to the actions. Have you take this as your own responsibility.

A mother's love - the most powerful love that I ever experience.

World Peace

Life was so much more peaceful when there is no maid. Yes, I will have a more hectic time cleaning up the house, less time to surf the net, less time to rest, less time to shop. Physically - more tired, mentally less stress, but I have a peace of mind.

My mum is a clean freak and a control freak. From the time she moved in to my house, she had been watching the maid sweeping and mopping the floor almost every morning at 5am - tile by tile. At first she wanted the maid to mop 2 rounds - 1 round wet, 1 round dry. She also expect the maid to change the pail of water many times- say for a living room, change 3 times, for 3 bedrooms, change 2 times, for kitchen, change 1 time. Toilets are to be washed everyday. All laundry are to be soaked over night in hot water, she believes all stains can only be removed with hot water. To save the utility bill, laundry are to be hand washed (rinse 4 times), except for big items like bed linens, which can be machine washed. All whites and towels to be soaked with bleach. So most of my table and floor towels turned almost white after a couple of wash.

After much quarrels with me, my mum finally gave in to mopping the floor 1 round, semi wet. Still the maid got to take about 2-3 hours to sweep and mop the entire house, again tile by tile and everyday (7 days per week).

Well since mum moved in 3 years ago, we had changed 7 maids (Indonesians and Philippinos). Some maids couldn't take the stress, some maids didn't meet my mum's expectations. With maids around, I had a special alarm clock which I couldn't control the alarm time - the noise outside my bedroom as early as 6 -7 am. Some days, the sound of the mop knocking against the wall, other days, my mum's scolding. Every few days, mum will start complaining to me about the maid - endless faults.

After the 7th maid left, I badly wanted a break, I insisted of not having the maid for a period of time. I thought this would give my mum some time to reflect upon herself, having too high expectations, at the same time, for me to train up my house cleaning skill.

Without maid, mum wake up at about 5-6am everyday and sweep the floor herself. As she is weak, she invented a unique way of sweeping - she moves around in sitting position on the floor, sweep using the traditional feather duster(which she believe this is the most effective tools for cleaning the dust). I ended up seeing couple of small feathers on the floor everyday. Mum even tried to mop the floor while I was out, but the task really strained her too much. I understand she had a good heart for me, but she didn't understand, that will make me feel bad and more worried about her health. Well, health is more important than anything else. Without good health, no matter how clean the house is, you will still not be happy.

she had to give up the mopping tasks and let me handle it. I am not so hardworking type. I just mop the house twice a week (1 round of course), clean the tables and shelves 1-2 times a week, wash the toilets once a week, and I do the cleaning in my own way, not her way. She didn't dare to speak a word.

After half a year, mum started to nag again, and say that we must have a maid. With too much of her nagging, I believed she would have understood the value of the maid, and maybe she would lower down her expectations this time. So I agreed to get a maid again. This time I planned the work schedule.

The current maid has been working for us for 2 months. My initial work schedule had been changed along the way. I didn't say a thing, for I didn't want to have any conflicts with mum unnecessarily. For the past 5 days, my special alarm clock started to work again. I know the maid's days are numbered. To add salt to the wound, MIL also started to complain about the maid.

Mum said the maid had no respect for her - she either answered in rude manner or she didn't even answer at all, and she talked back while mum is scolding her. Well, I believe that respect needs to be earned, even in the employer-maid relationship. If you respect the other party, you will also get the same in return. If you have been scolding the maid with words like insane, liar, nasty, etc, what do you think you will get in return* But sadly, mum couldn't understand this.

With so many disasters happening everywhere around the world, there are so many people struggling for survival. Numerous people either lost their lives or their families and all that belonged to them just within minutes. Here we are so fortunate to live in a safe land, yet we are still not contented of the luxuries we can enjoy, but to scrutinise in every little grain of faults other people make.

I don't know what will go on next and I don't want to think or plan too much. Come what may. For the time being, I just indulge in the joy of playing with my sons everyday. As long as I can get some quiet moment every now and then, its World Peace for me.

Barney Show

I haven't been planning much for the children's holiday programme till the school holiday started. While I was packing for the Malacca Trip, I recalled the advertisement about the Barney Live Performance.

I had never brought my boys to any live performance before. However, through my experience of passing by some stage show in the shopping mall, I know my boys doesn't feel comfortable with the weird looking mascots. In fact, they don't like the loud and powerful voice either, so I wasn't sure if they will enjoy the Barney Show.

But we must always start to explore somewhere, otherwise we will never know the answer, so I went on to book the tickets from the Sistic website. To be on the safe side, I decided to bring 1 child for the first time, I sacrificed Aron. I felt more confident handling Asher alone. So I bought 2 tickets. As the tickets were on sale for very long, all the tickets in Cat 1 were sold out, so I went for the Cat 2 tickets. Its was a good move, I know Asher would be frightened if he is seating too near to the stage.

When we stepped into the theatre in the Suntec Convention Hall, the light was rather dim. I can feel that Asher was nervous and uncomfortable. His eyes were slightly teary. When we got on to our seats, I tried to keep him occupied by stuffing some gummies, mesh mallows and pocky into him and distracted his attention to looking around.

When I told Asher there were lots of children coming for the show, he replied that their daddies also came. I wasn't sure if there was much implication to his words, cos his Daddy was working overseas at that moment.

5 mins after the show started, Asher was much more relaxed. Throughout the show, he remained to be quietly seated and watching it, focused, but without much movement and expression. I couldn't really tell if he enjoyed the show.

By half time, having 20mins of break, I suggested to go out for a walk, Asher refused. I told him if he was scared, we could go home, he said no, he wanted to stay for the show.

Towards the end, when Barney sang the "I Love U, You Love Me..." To my surprise, Asher sang along very loudly, to the extend that the parent & child sitting next to us turned and stared at him.

Though Asher wasn't expressive towards his feelings and emotions, I knew he liked the show.

I also felt very good, having to spend such close and personal time with him, without anyone else around, as I hardly had the chance to do so, I really treasured it.

Its an enjoyable show for both Asher and Mummy.

Malacca Trip 29 - 31 May

By now, the boys are so used to taking coaches. They even can tell which is Five Star Bus, Grassland Bus or Transtar Bus... When I told them that we would be going to take either of these buses, they knew they were going to 'hotel' again and they enjoyed staying in the hotels. Asher would be counting down the days to take the Grassland bus this time. He also knew exactly where we would take the bus - Beach Road, Golden Mile Complex, as he would "direct" us there.

Though we had to take the "single deck" coach again this time, as there was no "double deck" coach going to Malacca, the boys still enjoyed the ride. Yes, the "single deck" coach still didn't look as nice as the "double deck" coach, and the seats, though spacious and reclinable, were also not as comfortable. Anyway, its only a 4.5 hour ride, shorter than the journey to KL or Genting.

Before we even went to Malacca, MIL already was not very excited about the place, after hearing from her friend that there is "nothing much" there, no shopping and nothing for children to play. Her interest is only SHOPPING. She is not interested in sight-seeing, be it nature or historical buildings, beaches or adventures. She only take Chinese food, limited to no milk, no cream, no butter (ie. even bread or biscuits with slightest butter flavour), no cheese, no potatoes, no ham, no saugage, no raw food, no Japanese, Western, Thai, Indian, Malay food, no burgers, no fries, no Bah Kut Teh, no Laksa....(much more to add on). Kind of difficult to choose a place for her to enjoy her holiday, except Hong Kong. As for the children, I am less worried, cos they just need either rice or noodle and they enjoyed Mc Donald Kids Meal, otherwise, snacks and tibits can fill half their stomaches. "Nothing for children to play", yes , I know that, but why should we always choose places which have theme parks. The children should get the chance to look at other things. Besides, our hotel (Mahkota Hotel) have 2 big pools and children pools for them to enjoy. By just staying in the hotel, the boys were already in high spirits. Since we had been to KL, Bangkok and Genting, we do not have any other "interesting"nearby place to go, unless Disneyland, which Kenny could not afford the time.

Anyway, I didn't let this affect my mood, and we went ahead with the plan. We stayed in an apartment style (with 2 bedrooms) hotel. The hotel is located at the coaster area, next to a jetty (suppose to be for cruise to stop there, but I had not seen any cruise stopping by in that 3 days, except a few vessels which stationed far away from the coast). So, there was a pleasant sea view, as well as city view from our room on the 6th floor. However, the tap water was scarily yellowish, which I insisted for the safety of the children, we should consume only mineral water which we purchased (about 20 bottles in total) from the convenient stalls nearby.

There were 2 big shopping malls across the road from our hotel, which I purposely chose this hotel for the sake of MIL. Though nothing exciting to buy there, the game arcade occuppied my children attention and time as there were children rides for them to play, while the ladies went shopping.

Next to the shopping mall was the non-aircon food centre which were divided into 2 sections, the Muslim and Chinese food. The food there was rather delicious and cheap and had good varieties. In fact, even the breads and pastries from the small counters in the shopping mall also tasted very good. We also went for the Malacca's famous chicken rice - F'amosa Chicken Rice. Tried the rice balls, which was their specialty, but didn't know how to appreciate it, we still enjoyed the typical loose rice with their very tasty dishes, soya sauce chicken, char siew, roasted meat, super soft and smooth tofu, fishball soup, fried bean sprout, yummy.

The transport there sucks, cos we hardly see any taxis moving around. On the second nite of our stay, we had a really hard time looking for cab to return to the hotel, and we ended up walking around so long till we almost dropped dead. Kenny couldn't take it as he carried Aron (who refused to walk) and walked a long way, while he endured the pain from the wounds he got from falling down earlier that day. Finally, we found some very beautifully decorated trishaws near the night market street, and we were so glad that we didn't care how much they were going to charge us. In fact the trishaw cost more than the taxi, we went there in 1 cab which charged us RM12, but the 2 trishaws which took us back cost RM15 each. So my advice to those who want to go Malacca - be prepared to walk or please drive your own car there.

Luckily the trishaws took us back in time before the rain started. In fact, to our pleasant surprise, there was a fireworks right in front of our window and balcony, with no blockage. It lasted about half an hour, even longer than what we can see during our national day. The fireworks continued to blossom and boom in the dark sky, despite it poured so heavily halfway through the process. Till now, I couldn't find out what was the occasion. But for a small town to have such elaborate celebrations, its really impressive.

When I was dying not to miss any of the single firework that shot up to the sky, both the boys were frightened to death. Asher clinged on to me so tightly that I almost lost my breath, and I had to comfort and calm him while I covered his ears, with my eyes stucked at the window. Aron ran to the other bedroom and played his newly bought toys with his dad and refused to come out as long as the sounds didn't stop. Poor daddy, had no chance to video tape down the beautiful moments, but only to snap a few shots for the last 2 minutes before the fireworks ended.

Yes, in deed, the boys weren't interested in the sight-seeing at the historical places as we were walking up the fort or walking around Churches. Neither was MIL excited, but was "forced" to follow us. FIL was not so resisting, as he tried to catch a glimpse of the things he walked pass, while having to keep an eye on the boys.

Luckily, the hotel swimming pools could make it up to the boys trip. This mummy had cleverly bought 2 ring floats and a pump at very low price, before leaving for the trip. After having a couple of fanciful floats (such as the life-jacket floats and the sit-in floats), I finally realised the simplest type of floats make the most comfortable and enjoyable swim, which the 2 boys had not removed them throughout the time in the pool.

While we were in the Grassland bus, on the way back home, Aron didn't want to come home, he gave me the very pitiful look and said he wanted to go to another hotel. I had to pacify him by telling him that I need to go home and buy tickets first.

Till today, the boys still look forward to taking the Five Star bus and Grassland bus...

Last Day of School

I have not been updating my blog since Genting Trip, was rather busy in the school holiday. So, I am trying recall all the happenings since after the trip.

Aron started to have fever on the first night after we returned from Genting. His fever lasted for 3 days, followed by blocked nose, runny nose and cough. As it was the last week of school before the 1 month holiday, we tried to let Aron goes to school right after he recovered from the fever, but still with slight runny nose and cough. During that few days of school, the teachers, as usual checked on every student at the school entrance for signs of HFMD. Aron passed the check and attended the classes.

On the last day of school. As usual, the students have to stop and queue in front of the teacher on duty at the entrance. While Aron, still having slight cough and runny nose, passed the check and went in to the hall for assembly, Asher, surprisingly, failed the check. The teacher told me that she found 3 white spots on Asher's tongue. When I stared hard enough into Asher's mouth, the spots could bearly be seen, not to say that they looked like ulcers. Well, the teacher was trying to be extra careful (too hyper extra careful), so I didn't want to make a scene, and I brought Asher home. Over that few days, Asher proved to be healthy.

What kind of check is the school conducting - really make me wonder. The one having flu virus was not detected, while the one who was healthy was asked to go home. What a joke!

My Longest Time Lover

This draft was created since April. It was a difficult article, as a lot of my feelings and emotions for the relationship could not be expressed in precise words. There is so much memories coming back that it could be written as lengthy as a book, but at the same time, it could not be fully expressed out. Whatever it is, as long as my lover knows what I am trying to say, that's good enough. Hubby, I am not writing about you yet, please don't get upset. There will be your turn someday... be patient.

I used to be a very quiet girl without much confidence when I was young. I came from a typical Chinese speaking family. When I was transferred from a Chinese to an English school at pri 3, half the time I couldn't understand what my Indian Form Teacher was talking. For survival, I struggle to get a companion to get a sense of security in school. I chose a friend to stick to and followed her wherever she went, even followed her to the Monkey Bar area at a corner of the school. This was the place where I started my first "relationship", which lasted until today.

I got to know this girl who loves swinging all over the place on the Monkey Bar and I gave her the name "Ali Ba Ba". We were in the same class during Pri 4, but weren't very close yet. Our "yuan fen" started only when we went to the same secondary school and ended up in the same class. Again she became the target that I sticked to and followed. I even joined the same ECA as her. Through out the secondary school days, she had many close friends, but I just refused to explore building closer relationships with other people. We gossips every nite on the phone, we had arguments once every few nites. I always felt that she was too nice to all the "nasty people". Still, I sticked by her, cos she is the only person I could confide. We quarreled over big and small issues, scrutinise into every single bit of each other's word and actions. I felt stressful, but still I didn't ever think of giving up this friend. We went through so much ups and downs, thick and thin, we cried and laugh together. We shared everything we had, including the clothes, even though we were of different size. She was fleshy and busty while I was flat and bony, we could still exchange our waredrobe.

We went to different schools for our A level, she went to JC and I went to Pre-U Institute. If only I could get into JC, I would have chosen the same JC as her. But the separation didn't stop us from staying closed. We stayed over night at each other's home very often and we talked through the night till 4am. When I was at her place, we shared the queen size bed. When she was at my place, she had my bed while I slept on the floor. Through the years, we continued to have many arguments and discussions. Our friendship had gone so strong that I thought : IF WE ARE OF DIFFERENT GENDER, WE WOULD HAVE MARRIED EACH OTHER LONG AGO & HAVE OUR CHILDREN BY NOW.

When we went on to pursue our Degree course, she went to NTU, I went to SIM. During this time, I felt threatened. Not only did I feel the gap between our intellectual level getting bigger, she was also getting very close to a male classmate. I kind of got jealous and I always questioned her if she was in a relationship with this young man. I couldn't accept what she concluded as just 'very close friend'. If this guy continued to be this close to you, he would frightened off all the other potential guys. If this guy was just a close friend, I would feel that I would be "demoted" to no. 2. Anyhow, some misunderstanding happened that their friendship went bust. My "status" was back to the "safe zone" again.

In my 2 relationships, both guys had the similar feeling that I was placing too much focus and importance on this woman, they felt threatened too. My husband, during our initial courtship, suspect that we were lesbian. He even asked me, between this woman and him, who would I choose. My answer really broke his heart at that moment, well surprisingly he still marry me (maybe he had been convinced that I am straight). But at that moment, how could I give up someone who had been in my life for 20 years for someone that I just started building a relationship for a year. I think my husband had understood this point and never asked the same question again.

In all my important moments (except the time that I gave birth), be it good or bad, she had been with me. I remembered clearly on the day when my sister went missing from home, she was the one who went with me to make a police report. She was the only one who was with me and held on to me tightly when the police broke the news of my sis's suicide. She was supposed to stay at home to study for her exam for the following day, and yet she put down her study to be with me, stayed by me and gave me the courage to break this shocking news to my mum. Even my then boyfriend told me he couldn't come for the wake as his mum (super superstitious) did not want him to so.

Its been 25 years, this relationship still goes on... We may not be spending as much time together now, and we may be living a different life, but our hearts still connect. We had promised each other when we turned 60, we would buy each other a diamond ring. We also promised each other we would spend a white Christmas together.

Alice, my friend, my sister, my lover, I am so blessed to have you in my life. You have inspired me so much that you make me take on a positive attitude towards life and I know I will continue to be a happy woman throughout. Thank you and I love you.

Genting Trip 15 - 17 May

This is the first time I brought the family for holiday without my Hubby around. Kind of felt that I am a super woman. Hee... This was so last minute plan that I actually booked the trip 3 days before.

On the Thursday morning, the boys woke up as early as 5.30am. They knew they were going to take the "Five Star" bus to a hotel. So they were very excited, and got themselves out of the bed without much help. They insisted on taking their own luggage bags, so I prepared 2 small trolley bags for them. As Aron saw the taxi waiting near our void deck, he walked straight to the taxi, forgetting about his bag. Really cannot count on the boys to carry anything, huh.

We were told the "double deck" coaches were fully booked, so we had to take the normal "single deck" coach. However, on that morning, when we registered at the counter, we had a pleasant surprise - we were being upgraded to "double deck" coach, though we would still be sitting on the lower deck. There were just enough seats for our family on the lower deck - for the 2 boys, the parents-in-law and myself. So we had much privacy for ourselves to enjoy the luxurious ride - movies, games, automated reclining and massage chair.

It was a pleasant journey all the way, except for the last 1 hour twirling up the mountain. The boys even had a short nap. During the last 1 hour, we kept feeding the boys with gummies and "Shan Cha" and diverted their attention out of the window, to make sure they don't get nausea. Well they shouldn't be given too much fluid at this time as it would make them felt more uncomfortable.

By the time we reached Genting, it was about 12.30pm. It was considered a fast and smooth journey. However, we could only check-in the hotel at 2pm, so we left our luggage at the bell counter and went for lunch. The boys were so excited about the rides in the theme park, they could hardly eat.

Well, I was smart enough to buy the unlimited tickets for the boys (which cost RM24 each) and myself (which cost RM26, only for the indoor rides), as they took numerous rides, but chose only the slow and friendly ones.

By the time we got into the room, it was already 3+pm. I managed to get the Superior Deluxe Room which was big enough for 5 of us to sleep quite comfortably. The boys were still full of energy, jumping from 1 bed to another, and looking out at the scenery of the mountain covered with cloud.

For the rest of the 2 days, it was just taking those same rides repeatedly. Shopping up there wasn't exciting, but to reward myself for this arrangement, I bought a couple pieces of clothes. Poor mum and dad-in-law, they had nothing much to do, except to watch the boys. By the time we put the boys to bed, MIL was too tired to go to the casino. It was worse for FIL, cos he was coughing quite badly in the nite, till he had to sit up and meditate to sleep. This was the first time I got to know that FIL actually know how to meditate - impressive!

Coming back wasn't as lucky, we were put into the "single deck" coach, with the seats on the last 2 rows. Asher, MIL & FIL were seated on the last row, which you can imagine the bumpiness they had to bare. Their seats couldn't be reclined as much as it could due to the junks being put behind their seats. With the slow moving traffic near KL area, the journey was dragged even longer. By the time we got home, it was closed to 11pm.

Well, the boys were so happy about the trip, I felt proud of myself for making this arrangement. Sorry, MIL and FIL, that you didn't get to enjoy much. Its more like you were going there for work. I hope I could plan something better for the next trip, where both of you could enjoy more. Thank you so much for your hard work...

Mother's Day

Few days before the mother's day, I started to get panicked. I had not been thinking about what to do with the mothers. Not that I must do something, but somehow I thought they would expect something from me, even though they might say they don't want anything. But the mothers are really lack of NOTHING. They have everything they wanted.

I finally decided to send MIL for a spa treat. She had not tried it before, so I guessed it would be a new experience for her. I checked on the internet and found that the Aramsa Spa at Bishan Park II quite interesting. So I went down to recee the place. Hmmm, nice setup and atmosphere, I must try that one of these days. When MIL knew that I was trying to make some arrangement for her, she would say she doesn't want anything and told me not to waste $$$. After the spa, asked her if it was good, she would just say, for so much $$ spent, sure it got to be good. Why can't these people expressed out in a more passionate, appreciative and direct way.... Well, that's the traditional Chinese way of behaviour - everything is unspoken. Never mind, inside me, I know they enjoyed it.

My mum was the more headache one. She is too boney to enjoy the massage, she is only 37kg now. You can see the structure of her bones tracing out from every inch of her skin.

While I was still scratching my head about what to do for her, Alice, her god-daughter, my savior, came in at the right time. A lunch was arranged at a very last minute with some other mothers. At least, I got my mum out of the house, had lunch and went for shopping. I hardly go shopping with her nowadays, as she could hardly walk. She needs to find seats to rest her legs every couple of steps she made. So with this shopping trip, whatever she wanted to buy, I gladly paid for it, and conveniently said its the Mother's Day Treat.

As for myself, expectedly, I got my son's handicraft work which the teacher made them do in school. Though, nothing surprised me, but I still felt good receiving the little gift of arts from them.

What I got from my hubby was him flying off to Taipei on the Mother's Day itself. He would be away for 2 weeks. The whole family sent him off at the airport. Even though he traveled very often, but when the moment he walked into the departure hall, I still missed him. I could also sense his loneliness as he walked away.

In order to keep myself busy these 2 weeks, I booked a Genting trip for my boys and parents-in-law for the coming weekend. Hopefully, time will pass faster this way and I could see my hubby back home soon.

What Luck Have We Got

I was down with fever and sore throat 2 nights ago, when my husband just flew off for work.

Since beginning of this year, my entire family had been taking turns to fall sick. The virus had enjoyed so much being with my family that it hopped from 1 person to another. Aron started with fever on the Chinese New Year's Eve, followed by flu and cough. He passed the virus to Asher and myself soon after. Aron recovered after 5 weeks. By the time Asher was about to recover, Aron started an other round of runny nose. I lost count of the rounds the virus had made by now.

Today, me and Kenny are both down with cough.

Both my boys used to be very reluctant of going to clinic. Nowadays, they all enjoying going to clinic, can't wait to enter the doctor's room and have their favourite medicine identified. Think the doctor must be very happy to see our family always visiting him.

Wonder what kind of luck is my family having this year...

My First Yoga Class

I finally went for my 1st yoga lesson yesterday morning.

I have been thinking for years about taking up yoga lessons. What's stopping me, really* - I wondered. Ever since, I stopped work 3 years ago, I have been thinking of doing this. At times, I just procrastinate, at times, I took effort to search on the websites for the lessons, but couldn't find 1 that really suits my timing, budget or location. Its a simple thing to do, but I actually dragged it for years. I always gave myself the excuse of having to look after the boys and having to settle so many things at home. Have I not wasted too much time* This is just 1 of the many things which I wanted to do. I think the training I attended really wake me up.

In fact, this yoga class is just across the road where I lived - Community Club. Its cheap, its near and the timing is perfect - during the time when my boys are in school. But I had never bothered to checked it out, thinking that it wasn't a professional yoga teaching place.

I join the class at its 5th lesson, so I tried to find a place at the back of the room for myself. But the mirror walls are at both ends of the room, so I couldn't tell which is the front and which is the back. So I cleverly chose the centre area for myself.

After some introduction, the teacher turned on the music --- hmm, its the soothing spa music which I like, it makes me feel a bit more relaxed. The lights were then switched off and the curtains drawn up, leaving a slight ray coming in to the room. The ambiance was much better. "That's more like it" I thought.

I tried following the teacher's every instruction, including the breathing in and out, and the movement and positioning, I felt so clumsy. Sometimes I felt a bit di**y, probably I didn't get the right breathing technique. My body was so stiffed as I did some stretching exercise. Oh my god, I felt like I have a 60 years old body. Luckily, the movements were slow, otherwise, I would have broken a few bones.

By the last 15 minutes of the session, we were all lying down flat on the mat, closing our eyes, making ourselves as relax as we can in the dim room. With the peaceful and soothing background music, I felt myself so relaxed. I enjoyed the session very much.

I should have started the yoga long ago, if only I put in more enthusiasm and drive. I will definitely continue my yoga class, and I will also move on to do other things which I had been dragging for a long time.

"What Do You Want"

Someone had asked me in my blog what training have I attended, with regards to my article on "My Bravest Move".

Well, its definitely nothing got to do with religious or cult study. Its basically a self enrichment course from a company call Asiaworks. The training that I attended is the Basic Training which is about self awareness. Its a 5 day programme that you wouldn't have the chance to write any notes, cos the whole programme is experiential. You just got to be open, jump in and participate.

By participating in the activities, you get a chance to look honestly into how you think, feel and act in your life. You may discover something which you yourself are not aware of all this while. You will see how your behavior affects the results you achieve in your life. You also get to ask yourself many times "What do you want", what is your goal in your life, be it in career, family, relationships, etc., and find out what are the resistance you have taken on which stops you from achieving it.

There are about 80 over of us in this training, from different backgrounds, with all different goals. By the end of the training, many of us become more positive in our attitude and have taken steps to achieve our goals, being more committed towards achieving our goals, improve relationships with our loved ones, more open to others, increase confidence and trust, etc.

In my personal view, I find this a valuable lesson. At least, I am clearer about my goals and I am more proactive towards things I want to do now.

You can see these are some of my course mate.

My Bravest Move

Today, I had finally made the bravest move in my life. It took me even more courage than saying yes to my hubby's proposal, or going under the knife to give birth to my sons. I actually said to my mum : I love you. Yes, not just in my mind, but I told her right in her face. She heard every single word that I said.

What has driven me to do this was a training that I just attended. It's a training that I was doubtful at first, and I just gave it a try to see what I would get out from it. I went in to the training room without knowing what my goals really are on the first day. By the last day of the training, I experienced lots of emotions - I cried a lot during that few days. But I felt relieved, knowing very clearly who are the most important people in my life, what is my true goal and what I could have contributed but I had been resisted doing so. I also had great discovery about my subconscious behavior and attitude. I decided I must start doing something before its too late.

The first action I took and the first goal I accomplished - I told my mum that I realised she is the most important person in my life. My greatest wish is to see her feeling happy - TRUELY happy. I want to see her let go of her past, her hatred, her misery, and live to the fullest for the rest of her life. When its time for her to go, I want to see her leave in peace, with contentment and a blissful look on her face. Regardless of her poor health or whether or not being able to contribute to my family, when she is happy, I will be happy.

I used to look up to her when I was young. I remembered her as a strong and tough woman. She had been through 2 failed marriages, and ended up having to share the third man with another woman for the rest of her life. But she was still so committed to looking after the family, by preparing every single meals for all of us every day, regardless if she was feeling well or not, just to make sure that we did not have any chance of getting hungry. She made lots of herbal soups for me, despite of me complaining that they didn't taste good. She knew its for the good of my health. My half-sister had illness of fits since she was 8 years old, till the day she passed away when she was 35, the illness never got successfully treated. My mum took her to uncountable number of doctors and mediums for treatments, even when she had lost hopes on the possibility of recovery. When my sister chose to end her life, I could tell how painful my mum was.

This great woman had survived quite a number of surgeries. I remember when I was 4, it was my first time to Mt Alvernia hospital, she was there to remove stone from her liver. That wasn't the first time she had surgery already. When I was 14, she went for the heart bypass surgery. I was told its a critical one as she might die on the table. I waited for hours alone and in fear outside the theatre. I almost couldn't recogise her in the critical care ward, as there were so many tubes on her. One particularly huge tube was stuffed right into her mouth and the life support system produce very loud noise as it compressed and released momentumly . Before the day of the surgery, she was so busy preparing the food that can last for days at home, telling me what to do when she was away. She even told me not to be afraid if she couldn't survive through. But, in deed, she pulled through. 6 years ago, she was diagnose of lung cancer and went through another critical operation. Again, she was prepared for the worse, telling me who to call for help to arrange for the funeral. I could recall the pain in her face with the 2 tubes piercing right into her lung from the side of the body to drain out the water and blood. With her strong will power, she again recovered, and survived through these 6 years. Though she is weaker now, at least she is still mobile. I am so proud of her.

I had a sense of relief after telling her those words, feeling lighter at heart. Its something that I kept for so long, but didn't know how to say it and have no courage to face it. I hope these words could give her the power to move on positively. Maybe, nothing will change, but I know these words are important to her.

I am going to move forward to the next step and start taking actions to achieve my other goals. Friends out there, please give me your full support. Give me the drive that I need to accomplish my goals....

Daddy, I Miss U

As I woke up this morning, walked out of my bedroom, I noticed a moth quietly stationed itself on the wall above the sofa in the living room.

Chinese belief - the moth is a spirit of a family member who had passed away. It will not harm anybody, as it is the loved one that transformed itself from a spirit to a moth, to pay a visit to the family.

Dad, is that you* If it is you, I wanted to tell you that I missed you so much, and I love you. Asher still ask about you sometimes and he still remember the route to your house in Hougang.

Dad left us on 29 Jan 08, which happened to be my hubby's birthday. My hubby takes it as a blessing as it adds on some significance to his birthdays. On that fateful morning, while I was with my boys in school, I received a call from my niece. Shocked, despite I know very well that his days are numbered. I don't expect it to come THAT SOON.

As I stepped into the hospital bedroom, my tears started rolling out uncontrollably. Sobbing away, I touched his motionless hand, it had turned cold. I touched his forehead, its still warm. Looking at his pale face, I asked in my mind: why did you leave without even saying goodbye to me first. The last time I met him was 3 days before, and he could still talk to me.

When I was young, I had hated him. I asked: why is this man so unfaithful. He already had a wife with 8 children (family A) when he met my mum. Why does he want another woman. However, he had proven to be a responsible man who worked hard all these years to support the 2 families - 2 wives, 9 children and 1 step-daughter (my half sister from my mum). I didn't see his effort until my hubby 'enlightened' me.

My hubby said there are people who don't have or lost their dads when they were very young. There are dads who not only don't take care of their children, but bring troubles to the families. There are dads who are unable to take care of their children and need to be taken care of. I am blessed to have a daddy who has never given up on me and my family.

It is NOT easy for a man to support a family. Its stressful to cope with work, financial and family issues. In my dad's case, everything is doubled. An easy way out, he could have given up 1 family, but he didn't. He had never complained how tired or stressful he was, nor did he vent his frustrations on any of us. Despite having many furious quarrels with mum all these years, he had never thought of walking out of our family. Till the day he fell critically sick, he had not stopped working but continued to support the 2 families financially, as he didn't want to add on to the children's burden.

I heard very little about the family A, cos my dad is a man of few words - no gossips. So, I believe family A know nothing about us too. I always thought that they had been taking us as enemies, but treated us well for the sake of dad - a belief which my mum carries all these years and instills in me.

At the wake, with my own eyes, I notice that family A (about 30 of them , including my dad's grandchildren) is very united and very closely bonded. At every point, they had respected my mum's suggestions and included us as part of the family. They had been gladly looking after dad since he fell sick 2 years ago, and did not ask me to make any contributions. I could feel the love they had for dad. I am glad that dad had not ever left them. He deserve their love.

Hubby, thanks for helping me turn my hatred into appreciation. You have made me love my dad more.

Mummy, you may have broken marriages before. But you definitely had gotten a great man at last. I wish you can understand this. Now that I have grown older, I become wiser. As a parent, I can appreciate better whatever dad has done for us. What about you, mummy* Have you stopped hating dad for not loving you enough* In fact dad has loved you, till his last breath.

Mummy, do you realise it is you who have built a wall between us and family A all these while* I can tell they have nothing against us. Your anger and hatred is really invalid. PLEASE LET GO. I know you will not accept this, but inside me, I still hope you can do it, so that when the time come, I can see you smiling and say goodbye to me.

The moth is still quietly standing there at the corner, taking every moment he has to watch over me and my mum. Dad, please give us your blessings....

The Old vs the Young Thinking

Everyday, after the boys alight their school bus, they will be given a drink (sometimes Yakault, sometimes Milo, etc) and a sweet (usually mash mallow or gummy) each, usually prepared by Ah Mah (MIL). Sometimes, the mummy will also contribute additional sweets. See how pampered the boys are*

Today, as usual, Ah Mah gave them a Yakault and a mini pack of mash mallow each, while I gave them the hamburger gummy (their favourite). Somehow, Asher mistakenly thought that Aron had gotten more than him, and he asked for more. I tried explaining to him that they both got the same amount, but he wouldn't believe and started crying. Ah Mah keep repeating "STOP". I told her to leave him alone and let him stop crying himself, she wouldn't listen. Well the "STOPs" really didn't work at all.

Ye Ye took out some more mash mallow to pacify him . I said to Asher, "You cry, so no mash mallow for you. When you stop, then you can have it." No sign of stopping yet, but Ye Ye had opened the packaging and given it to him. Still crying loud and sound, with the mash mallow in his mouth.

Trying to control myself from flaring up, I said, "Mummy is going home, dun want to see anymore". I left the house, with Asher still crying and calling "Mummy, Mummy". I never turned back. I wonder if the ILs understand the meaning behind my walk-off.

I think I am very lenient towards allowing my sons to take sweets everyday. When they are in Ah Mah's house, I am not sure how many more would Ye Ye give them. But I told myself, I trust that they know where's the limit, as long as my sons stay healthy, I would not dampen my relationship with the ILs by blaming them of spoiling the grand-children.

I find myself fighting alone, as no one else are on my side. While I think its time for my boys to learn the lessons using a more firm assertions (I dun believe in canning, but I do raise my voice loud in order to make it obvious that I am upset), the ILs think that there is no need to be too harsh on them as they are still too young. They believe that there is no harm pacifying them. So whenever they cry, they will be attended at the fastest time possible. In the end the boys got what they want and they win the battle (this is call power struggle). The olds believe a child's character is inborn, if they are good, they will naturally become good when they grew up. If they are smart, they will naturally get good results next time. MIL said many times: I had never need to cane my boys (referring to my hubby and BIL), see, they still grew up to be decent and upright men.

To the ILs and even to my mum, I wish to say that time has changed, environment has changed, children are more exposed these days, so they are smarter and they get more temptations. The methods they used 30 years ago will not work now. I have no wish that my boys will become genius. I just wish they are being taught with the right values rooted in them and don't grow up like a spoilt child. I believe in using the methodology which is effective in sending the right message across to the children about what is right and what is wrong. I don't mind explaining the same thing a hundred times till they understand my point. But what I need most is the consistency in the ways we adults used on the children. So please, can we syncronise for the good of the children*

Who can take over my disciplinary role

This is really a good place for me to pour out my feelings... I am feeling so frustrated now!

Since Aron started to have running nose, I wanted to sponge him instead of showering him from head to toe. While Asher is having shower (usually on weekends, the daddy will shower the boys), I tried to sponge Aron. However, Aron insisted he wanted to shower. Even when I had already changed him into clean clothes, he was still jumping and crying and wanted me to remove his clothes. In my frustration, I removed them, and told him that he shall have no clothes at all. Still he wanted to go for shower, and ran all over the house, from bedroom to living room to kitchen, NAKED, yelling, crying, stamping. I ignored him....

In the end, the daddy gave in and gave him a shower while I was still very heated up. To add on to the fire, my mum also asked me to give in and told me NOT TO LET ARON CRY TO MUCH AS HE IS STILL YOUNG.

Aron came out after the shower, knowing that I was still upset, wanted to hug me. But I rejected him coldly. After a while, he forgot about the whole incident and run around playing happily.

Though I am upset with Aron not listening to me, I am more upset when I was trying to stand firm on my ground, in order to make the boys get my message of what they can do and what they cannot, I got no support from anyone in the family, not even my husband.

Whenever I tried to discipline my boys with very fierce tone, once the boys started crying hysterically, there bound to have people going to their rescue, pacifying them back. When I am lost of how to deal with them, nobody come out to take over from me. I am tired of being the tigeress, shouting at them like a mad dog. Yet nobody is showing me the effective way of making them obey simple instructions. While I will gladly like to hand over my disciplinary role to anyone who can do a better job than me, nobody else wanted to take on this "dirty" and "ugly" job. For the rest of tonight, I shall keep very quiet. Just hope no one, including my boys, will agitate me further.

The Understanding Boy

Asher and Aron had been taking turns to fall sick since January. While Aron just recovered from the flu recently, Asher started to have running nose, followed by coughing. 2 nites ago, he had a very bad cough through out the nite and couldn't sleep well. MIL had put the blame on my birthday cake which Asher had taken - the pandan kaya cake. She said it must be the coconut and the egg content in the cake that worsen the cough. She said to Asher : See, because you took the cake, that's why you had so much coughing.

Yesterday, after the nap, I was looking for some snacks for the boys. I found some marble cake on my dining table and asked Asher if he wanted to have some. To my surprise, he said "No" softly. "Why*", I asked, knowing that he likes to eat cakes. He said "Asher has cough". "So do you want some biscuits*", I asked again. "Yes", without hesitance.

Another surprising thing that I discovered about Asher. Asher had been playing a few sets of 12 pieces jigsaw pu**le for quite some time. Last week we bought a few more sets of jigsaws for him and Aron. This time its the 40 pieces sets. I thought it would be very challenging for Asher to complete. When he got home, he just patiently played those 6 sets of jigsaws on his own, without help from anyone. He could sit there for an hour, very focused, and completed all of them, even those that Aron had messed up without putting them back.

Well, today, while Asher had not fully recovered, Aron started to have running nose again, and coughed a few times in his sleep. I just wonder when will the virus stopped passing between my 2 boys.

Part-Time to Full-Time Mummy

I am one of the lucky Mummy who doesn't need to do much work. I have my mother-in-law (MIL), staying a few blocks away from my flat, to help me look after my boys on weekdays. She cooks for my boys and the whole entire family. My working time as Mummy is only on weekday evenings and whole of weekends.

Recently, MIL told me that her ex-supervisor called her and asked if she could help him out for 2 months as one of his staff is going on medical leave. She asked me if I could look after the boys myself, and promised that she will still prepare dinners daily.

Well, I have been enjoying so much freedom for so long. Probably, now its time that I really got to start work - as a Full-Time Mummy.

For those who know me, I can't cook, cos I am blessed that before I got married, I had my mum to cook for me and refuse to let me mess up her kitchen. After I got married, MIL also did the same. My signature dish is cooking instant noodle. If I really have to look after my boys myself, I must really start cooking. For some reasons, its difficult for me to learn cooking from MIL. So where shall I start.... I shall think of a way. So my next objective is to cook a simple, nice meal for my family.

Happy Birthday II

Its was a pleasant birthday celebration that day. Nothing surprising, seriously. The fact that I had celebrated with my loved ones is already a blessing for me.

I had spent the afternoon with my hubby, well, without my children. Lunch at Tang's Cafe, followed by Spa at Goodwood Park Hotel. Yes, its again jacu**i bath, scrub and massage. Tea at Wheellock Place Coffee Bean, a short walk at Apple Shop after that and then head straight home. I had a curfew time, that I must be home by 6 pm to feed my sons everyday.

My boys, Asher (3.5 yrs old) and Aron (2.5 yrs old), in deed, were so excited to sing the birthday songs (they sang so many times from the day before till the day after my birthday) and blow the candles. 3 big candles were placed on the Bengawan Solo Pandan Kaya Cake. Each of us blow 1 candle. Asher had always thought that his mummy is 4 years old. How I wish I can go back to that age.

Just thinking back my birthday last year, my boys have grown up so much. How I wish that they will forever remain so innocent and sweet.

Happy Birthday I

Its my birthday today. So I have decided to start creating my own blog on this special day. Well, take this as a gift for myself.

Why I started writing on the blog - probably I was inspired by my friend who has written a lot about herself and family on her blog. Its a good way to express own feelings and let others know about her world.

Birthday Wishes - Everyone in my family (including myself) happy and healthy.

My hubby had taken leave to spend time with me today. We are going for Spa this afternoon. I think we both deserve to pamper ourselves once in a while. We hardly spend time together alone (without children around), going out like that. Hope we have a relax and romantic afternoon.

I remembered on my birthday last year, my hubby kept me in suspense, drove me to Changi Village Hotel. He had booked a Spa without my knowledge. It was a sweet surprise. We got ourselves into the spa suite, and we dipped into the out-door jacu**i facing the sea. The staff had even given a complimentary blackforest birthday cake and 2 glasses of red wine. We had a good facial, body scrub and massage that day.

This year, I am not expecting anything. Come what may... I have learnt that when you don't expect, everything that comes to you will be become bonus.

As for my 2 lovely sons, I look forward to having them sing birthday songs to me in the evening and blow the candles on my cake, as if its their birthdays. I just simply love them !