Daddy, I Miss U

As I woke up this morning, walked out of my bedroom, I noticed a moth quietly stationed itself on the wall above the sofa in the living room.

Chinese belief - the moth is a spirit of a family member who had passed away. It will not harm anybody, as it is the loved one that transformed itself from a spirit to a moth, to pay a visit to the family.

Dad, is that you* If it is you, I wanted to tell you that I missed you so much, and I love you. Asher still ask about you sometimes and he still remember the route to your house in Hougang.

Dad left us on 29 Jan 08, which happened to be my hubby's birthday. My hubby takes it as a blessing as it adds on some significance to his birthdays. On that fateful morning, while I was with my boys in school, I received a call from my niece. Shocked, despite I know very well that his days are numbered. I don't expect it to come THAT SOON.

As I stepped into the hospital bedroom, my tears started rolling out uncontrollably. Sobbing away, I touched his motionless hand, it had turned cold. I touched his forehead, its still warm. Looking at his pale face, I asked in my mind: why did you leave without even saying goodbye to me first. The last time I met him was 3 days before, and he could still talk to me.

When I was young, I had hated him. I asked: why is this man so unfaithful. He already had a wife with 8 children (family A) when he met my mum. Why does he want another woman. However, he had proven to be a responsible man who worked hard all these years to support the 2 families - 2 wives, 9 children and 1 step-daughter (my half sister from my mum). I didn't see his effort until my hubby 'enlightened' me.

My hubby said there are people who don't have or lost their dads when they were very young. There are dads who not only don't take care of their children, but bring troubles to the families. There are dads who are unable to take care of their children and need to be taken care of. I am blessed to have a daddy who has never given up on me and my family.

It is NOT easy for a man to support a family. Its stressful to cope with work, financial and family issues. In my dad's case, everything is doubled. An easy way out, he could have given up 1 family, but he didn't. He had never complained how tired or stressful he was, nor did he vent his frustrations on any of us. Despite having many furious quarrels with mum all these years, he had never thought of walking out of our family. Till the day he fell critically sick, he had not stopped working but continued to support the 2 families financially, as he didn't want to add on to the children's burden.

I heard very little about the family A, cos my dad is a man of few words - no gossips. So, I believe family A know nothing about us too. I always thought that they had been taking us as enemies, but treated us well for the sake of dad - a belief which my mum carries all these years and instills in me.

At the wake, with my own eyes, I notice that family A (about 30 of them , including my dad's grandchildren) is very united and very closely bonded. At every point, they had respected my mum's suggestions and included us as part of the family. They had been gladly looking after dad since he fell sick 2 years ago, and did not ask me to make any contributions. I could feel the love they had for dad. I am glad that dad had not ever left them. He deserve their love.

Hubby, thanks for helping me turn my hatred into appreciation. You have made me love my dad more.

Mummy, you may have broken marriages before. But you definitely had gotten a great man at last. I wish you can understand this. Now that I have grown older, I become wiser. As a parent, I can appreciate better whatever dad has done for us. What about you, mummy* Have you stopped hating dad for not loving you enough* In fact dad has loved you, till his last breath.

Mummy, do you realise it is you who have built a wall between us and family A all these while* I can tell they have nothing against us. Your anger and hatred is really invalid. PLEASE LET GO. I know you will not accept this, but inside me, I still hope you can do it, so that when the time come, I can see you smiling and say goodbye to me.

The moth is still quietly standing there at the corner, taking every moment he has to watch over me and my mum. Dad, please give us your blessings....