My First Yoga Class

I finally went for my 1st yoga lesson yesterday morning.

I have been thinking for years about taking up yoga lessons. What's stopping me, really* - I wondered. Ever since, I stopped work 3 years ago, I have been thinking of doing this. At times, I just procrastinate, at times, I took effort to search on the websites for the lessons, but couldn't find 1 that really suits my timing, budget or location. Its a simple thing to do, but I actually dragged it for years. I always gave myself the excuse of having to look after the boys and having to settle so many things at home. Have I not wasted too much time* This is just 1 of the many things which I wanted to do. I think the training I attended really wake me up.

In fact, this yoga class is just across the road where I lived - Community Club. Its cheap, its near and the timing is perfect - during the time when my boys are in school. But I had never bothered to checked it out, thinking that it wasn't a professional yoga teaching place.

I join the class at its 5th lesson, so I tried to find a place at the back of the room for myself. But the mirror walls are at both ends of the room, so I couldn't tell which is the front and which is the back. So I cleverly chose the centre area for myself.

After some introduction, the teacher turned on the music --- hmm, its the soothing spa music which I like, it makes me feel a bit more relaxed. The lights were then switched off and the curtains drawn up, leaving a slight ray coming in to the room. The ambiance was much better. "That's more like it" I thought.

I tried following the teacher's every instruction, including the breathing in and out, and the movement and positioning, I felt so clumsy. Sometimes I felt a bit di**y, probably I didn't get the right breathing technique. My body was so stiffed as I did some stretching exercise. Oh my god, I felt like I have a 60 years old body. Luckily, the movements were slow, otherwise, I would have broken a few bones.

By the last 15 minutes of the session, we were all lying down flat on the mat, closing our eyes, making ourselves as relax as we can in the dim room. With the peaceful and soothing background music, I felt myself so relaxed. I enjoyed the session very much.

I should have started the yoga long ago, if only I put in more enthusiasm and drive. I will definitely continue my yoga class, and I will also move on to do other things which I had been dragging for a long time.

"What Do You Want"

Someone had asked me in my blog what training have I attended, with regards to my article on "My Bravest Move".

Well, its definitely nothing got to do with religious or cult study. Its basically a self enrichment course from a company call Asiaworks. The training that I attended is the Basic Training which is about self awareness. Its a 5 day programme that you wouldn't have the chance to write any notes, cos the whole programme is experiential. You just got to be open, jump in and participate.

By participating in the activities, you get a chance to look honestly into how you think, feel and act in your life. You may discover something which you yourself are not aware of all this while. You will see how your behavior affects the results you achieve in your life. You also get to ask yourself many times "What do you want", what is your goal in your life, be it in career, family, relationships, etc., and find out what are the resistance you have taken on which stops you from achieving it.

There are about 80 over of us in this training, from different backgrounds, with all different goals. By the end of the training, many of us become more positive in our attitude and have taken steps to achieve our goals, being more committed towards achieving our goals, improve relationships with our loved ones, more open to others, increase confidence and trust, etc.

In my personal view, I find this a valuable lesson. At least, I am clearer about my goals and I am more proactive towards things I want to do now.

You can see these are some of my course mate.

My Bravest Move

Today, I had finally made the bravest move in my life. It took me even more courage than saying yes to my hubby's proposal, or going under the knife to give birth to my sons. I actually said to my mum : I love you. Yes, not just in my mind, but I told her right in her face. She heard every single word that I said.

What has driven me to do this was a training that I just attended. It's a training that I was doubtful at first, and I just gave it a try to see what I would get out from it. I went in to the training room without knowing what my goals really are on the first day. By the last day of the training, I experienced lots of emotions - I cried a lot during that few days. But I felt relieved, knowing very clearly who are the most important people in my life, what is my true goal and what I could have contributed but I had been resisted doing so. I also had great discovery about my subconscious behavior and attitude. I decided I must start doing something before its too late.

The first action I took and the first goal I accomplished - I told my mum that I realised she is the most important person in my life. My greatest wish is to see her feeling happy - TRUELY happy. I want to see her let go of her past, her hatred, her misery, and live to the fullest for the rest of her life. When its time for her to go, I want to see her leave in peace, with contentment and a blissful look on her face. Regardless of her poor health or whether or not being able to contribute to my family, when she is happy, I will be happy.

I used to look up to her when I was young. I remembered her as a strong and tough woman. She had been through 2 failed marriages, and ended up having to share the third man with another woman for the rest of her life. But she was still so committed to looking after the family, by preparing every single meals for all of us every day, regardless if she was feeling well or not, just to make sure that we did not have any chance of getting hungry. She made lots of herbal soups for me, despite of me complaining that they didn't taste good. She knew its for the good of my health. My half-sister had illness of fits since she was 8 years old, till the day she passed away when she was 35, the illness never got successfully treated. My mum took her to uncountable number of doctors and mediums for treatments, even when she had lost hopes on the possibility of recovery. When my sister chose to end her life, I could tell how painful my mum was.

This great woman had survived quite a number of surgeries. I remember when I was 4, it was my first time to Mt Alvernia hospital, she was there to remove stone from her liver. That wasn't the first time she had surgery already. When I was 14, she went for the heart bypass surgery. I was told its a critical one as she might die on the table. I waited for hours alone and in fear outside the theatre. I almost couldn't recogise her in the critical care ward, as there were so many tubes on her. One particularly huge tube was stuffed right into her mouth and the life support system produce very loud noise as it compressed and released momentumly . Before the day of the surgery, she was so busy preparing the food that can last for days at home, telling me what to do when she was away. She even told me not to be afraid if she couldn't survive through. But, in deed, she pulled through. 6 years ago, she was diagnose of lung cancer and went through another critical operation. Again, she was prepared for the worse, telling me who to call for help to arrange for the funeral. I could recall the pain in her face with the 2 tubes piercing right into her lung from the side of the body to drain out the water and blood. With her strong will power, she again recovered, and survived through these 6 years. Though she is weaker now, at least she is still mobile. I am so proud of her.

I had a sense of relief after telling her those words, feeling lighter at heart. Its something that I kept for so long, but didn't know how to say it and have no courage to face it. I hope these words could give her the power to move on positively. Maybe, nothing will change, but I know these words are important to her.

I am going to move forward to the next step and start taking actions to achieve my other goals. Friends out there, please give me your full support. Give me the drive that I need to accomplish my goals....

Daddy, I Miss U

As I woke up this morning, walked out of my bedroom, I noticed a moth quietly stationed itself on the wall above the sofa in the living room.

Chinese belief - the moth is a spirit of a family member who had passed away. It will not harm anybody, as it is the loved one that transformed itself from a spirit to a moth, to pay a visit to the family.

Dad, is that you* If it is you, I wanted to tell you that I missed you so much, and I love you. Asher still ask about you sometimes and he still remember the route to your house in Hougang.

Dad left us on 29 Jan 08, which happened to be my hubby's birthday. My hubby takes it as a blessing as it adds on some significance to his birthdays. On that fateful morning, while I was with my boys in school, I received a call from my niece. Shocked, despite I know very well that his days are numbered. I don't expect it to come THAT SOON.

As I stepped into the hospital bedroom, my tears started rolling out uncontrollably. Sobbing away, I touched his motionless hand, it had turned cold. I touched his forehead, its still warm. Looking at his pale face, I asked in my mind: why did you leave without even saying goodbye to me first. The last time I met him was 3 days before, and he could still talk to me.

When I was young, I had hated him. I asked: why is this man so unfaithful. He already had a wife with 8 children (family A) when he met my mum. Why does he want another woman. However, he had proven to be a responsible man who worked hard all these years to support the 2 families - 2 wives, 9 children and 1 step-daughter (my half sister from my mum). I didn't see his effort until my hubby 'enlightened' me.

My hubby said there are people who don't have or lost their dads when they were very young. There are dads who not only don't take care of their children, but bring troubles to the families. There are dads who are unable to take care of their children and need to be taken care of. I am blessed to have a daddy who has never given up on me and my family.

It is NOT easy for a man to support a family. Its stressful to cope with work, financial and family issues. In my dad's case, everything is doubled. An easy way out, he could have given up 1 family, but he didn't. He had never complained how tired or stressful he was, nor did he vent his frustrations on any of us. Despite having many furious quarrels with mum all these years, he had never thought of walking out of our family. Till the day he fell critically sick, he had not stopped working but continued to support the 2 families financially, as he didn't want to add on to the children's burden.

I heard very little about the family A, cos my dad is a man of few words - no gossips. So, I believe family A know nothing about us too. I always thought that they had been taking us as enemies, but treated us well for the sake of dad - a belief which my mum carries all these years and instills in me.

At the wake, with my own eyes, I notice that family A (about 30 of them , including my dad's grandchildren) is very united and very closely bonded. At every point, they had respected my mum's suggestions and included us as part of the family. They had been gladly looking after dad since he fell sick 2 years ago, and did not ask me to make any contributions. I could feel the love they had for dad. I am glad that dad had not ever left them. He deserve their love.

Hubby, thanks for helping me turn my hatred into appreciation. You have made me love my dad more.

Mummy, you may have broken marriages before. But you definitely had gotten a great man at last. I wish you can understand this. Now that I have grown older, I become wiser. As a parent, I can appreciate better whatever dad has done for us. What about you, mummy* Have you stopped hating dad for not loving you enough* In fact dad has loved you, till his last breath.

Mummy, do you realise it is you who have built a wall between us and family A all these while* I can tell they have nothing against us. Your anger and hatred is really invalid. PLEASE LET GO. I know you will not accept this, but inside me, I still hope you can do it, so that when the time come, I can see you smiling and say goodbye to me.

The moth is still quietly standing there at the corner, taking every moment he has to watch over me and my mum. Dad, please give us your blessings....

The Old vs the Young Thinking

Everyday, after the boys alight their school bus, they will be given a drink (sometimes Yakault, sometimes Milo, etc) and a sweet (usually mash mallow or gummy) each, usually prepared by Ah Mah (MIL). Sometimes, the mummy will also contribute additional sweets. See how pampered the boys are*

Today, as usual, Ah Mah gave them a Yakault and a mini pack of mash mallow each, while I gave them the hamburger gummy (their favourite). Somehow, Asher mistakenly thought that Aron had gotten more than him, and he asked for more. I tried explaining to him that they both got the same amount, but he wouldn't believe and started crying. Ah Mah keep repeating "STOP". I told her to leave him alone and let him stop crying himself, she wouldn't listen. Well the "STOPs" really didn't work at all.

Ye Ye took out some more mash mallow to pacify him . I said to Asher, "You cry, so no mash mallow for you. When you stop, then you can have it." No sign of stopping yet, but Ye Ye had opened the packaging and given it to him. Still crying loud and sound, with the mash mallow in his mouth.

Trying to control myself from flaring up, I said, "Mummy is going home, dun want to see anymore". I left the house, with Asher still crying and calling "Mummy, Mummy". I never turned back. I wonder if the ILs understand the meaning behind my walk-off.

I think I am very lenient towards allowing my sons to take sweets everyday. When they are in Ah Mah's house, I am not sure how many more would Ye Ye give them. But I told myself, I trust that they know where's the limit, as long as my sons stay healthy, I would not dampen my relationship with the ILs by blaming them of spoiling the grand-children.

I find myself fighting alone, as no one else are on my side. While I think its time for my boys to learn the lessons using a more firm assertions (I dun believe in canning, but I do raise my voice loud in order to make it obvious that I am upset), the ILs think that there is no need to be too harsh on them as they are still too young. They believe that there is no harm pacifying them. So whenever they cry, they will be attended at the fastest time possible. In the end the boys got what they want and they win the battle (this is call power struggle). The olds believe a child's character is inborn, if they are good, they will naturally become good when they grew up. If they are smart, they will naturally get good results next time. MIL said many times: I had never need to cane my boys (referring to my hubby and BIL), see, they still grew up to be decent and upright men.

To the ILs and even to my mum, I wish to say that time has changed, environment has changed, children are more exposed these days, so they are smarter and they get more temptations. The methods they used 30 years ago will not work now. I have no wish that my boys will become genius. I just wish they are being taught with the right values rooted in them and don't grow up like a spoilt child. I believe in using the methodology which is effective in sending the right message across to the children about what is right and what is wrong. I don't mind explaining the same thing a hundred times till they understand my point. But what I need most is the consistency in the ways we adults used on the children. So please, can we syncronise for the good of the children*

Who can take over my disciplinary role

This is really a good place for me to pour out my feelings... I am feeling so frustrated now!

Since Aron started to have running nose, I wanted to sponge him instead of showering him from head to toe. While Asher is having shower (usually on weekends, the daddy will shower the boys), I tried to sponge Aron. However, Aron insisted he wanted to shower. Even when I had already changed him into clean clothes, he was still jumping and crying and wanted me to remove his clothes. In my frustration, I removed them, and told him that he shall have no clothes at all. Still he wanted to go for shower, and ran all over the house, from bedroom to living room to kitchen, NAKED, yelling, crying, stamping. I ignored him....

In the end, the daddy gave in and gave him a shower while I was still very heated up. To add on to the fire, my mum also asked me to give in and told me NOT TO LET ARON CRY TO MUCH AS HE IS STILL YOUNG.

Aron came out after the shower, knowing that I was still upset, wanted to hug me. But I rejected him coldly. After a while, he forgot about the whole incident and run around playing happily.

Though I am upset with Aron not listening to me, I am more upset when I was trying to stand firm on my ground, in order to make the boys get my message of what they can do and what they cannot, I got no support from anyone in the family, not even my husband.

Whenever I tried to discipline my boys with very fierce tone, once the boys started crying hysterically, there bound to have people going to their rescue, pacifying them back. When I am lost of how to deal with them, nobody come out to take over from me. I am tired of being the tigeress, shouting at them like a mad dog. Yet nobody is showing me the effective way of making them obey simple instructions. While I will gladly like to hand over my disciplinary role to anyone who can do a better job than me, nobody else wanted to take on this "dirty" and "ugly" job. For the rest of tonight, I shall keep very quiet. Just hope no one, including my boys, will agitate me further.

The Understanding Boy

Asher and Aron had been taking turns to fall sick since January. While Aron just recovered from the flu recently, Asher started to have running nose, followed by coughing. 2 nites ago, he had a very bad cough through out the nite and couldn't sleep well. MIL had put the blame on my birthday cake which Asher had taken - the pandan kaya cake. She said it must be the coconut and the egg content in the cake that worsen the cough. She said to Asher : See, because you took the cake, that's why you had so much coughing.

Yesterday, after the nap, I was looking for some snacks for the boys. I found some marble cake on my dining table and asked Asher if he wanted to have some. To my surprise, he said "No" softly. "Why*", I asked, knowing that he likes to eat cakes. He said "Asher has cough". "So do you want some biscuits*", I asked again. "Yes", without hesitance.

Another surprising thing that I discovered about Asher. Asher had been playing a few sets of 12 pieces jigsaw pu**le for quite some time. Last week we bought a few more sets of jigsaws for him and Aron. This time its the 40 pieces sets. I thought it would be very challenging for Asher to complete. When he got home, he just patiently played those 6 sets of jigsaws on his own, without help from anyone. He could sit there for an hour, very focused, and completed all of them, even those that Aron had messed up without putting them back.

Well, today, while Asher had not fully recovered, Aron started to have running nose again, and coughed a few times in his sleep. I just wonder when will the virus stopped passing between my 2 boys.

Part-Time to Full-Time Mummy

I am one of the lucky Mummy who doesn't need to do much work. I have my mother-in-law (MIL), staying a few blocks away from my flat, to help me look after my boys on weekdays. She cooks for my boys and the whole entire family. My working time as Mummy is only on weekday evenings and whole of weekends.

Recently, MIL told me that her ex-supervisor called her and asked if she could help him out for 2 months as one of his staff is going on medical leave. She asked me if I could look after the boys myself, and promised that she will still prepare dinners daily.

Well, I have been enjoying so much freedom for so long. Probably, now its time that I really got to start work - as a Full-Time Mummy.

For those who know me, I can't cook, cos I am blessed that before I got married, I had my mum to cook for me and refuse to let me mess up her kitchen. After I got married, MIL also did the same. My signature dish is cooking instant noodle. If I really have to look after my boys myself, I must really start cooking. For some reasons, its difficult for me to learn cooking from MIL. So where shall I start.... I shall think of a way. So my next objective is to cook a simple, nice meal for my family.

Happy Birthday II

Its was a pleasant birthday celebration that day. Nothing surprising, seriously. The fact that I had celebrated with my loved ones is already a blessing for me.

I had spent the afternoon with my hubby, well, without my children. Lunch at Tang's Cafe, followed by Spa at Goodwood Park Hotel. Yes, its again jacu**i bath, scrub and massage. Tea at Wheellock Place Coffee Bean, a short walk at Apple Shop after that and then head straight home. I had a curfew time, that I must be home by 6 pm to feed my sons everyday.

My boys, Asher (3.5 yrs old) and Aron (2.5 yrs old), in deed, were so excited to sing the birthday songs (they sang so many times from the day before till the day after my birthday) and blow the candles. 3 big candles were placed on the Bengawan Solo Pandan Kaya Cake. Each of us blow 1 candle. Asher had always thought that his mummy is 4 years old. How I wish I can go back to that age.

Just thinking back my birthday last year, my boys have grown up so much. How I wish that they will forever remain so innocent and sweet.

Happy Birthday I

Its my birthday today. So I have decided to start creating my own blog on this special day. Well, take this as a gift for myself.

Why I started writing on the blog - probably I was inspired by my friend who has written a lot about herself and family on her blog. Its a good way to express own feelings and let others know about her world.

Birthday Wishes - Everyone in my family (including myself) happy and healthy.

My hubby had taken leave to spend time with me today. We are going for Spa this afternoon. I think we both deserve to pamper ourselves once in a while. We hardly spend time together alone (without children around), going out like that. Hope we have a relax and romantic afternoon.

I remembered on my birthday last year, my hubby kept me in suspense, drove me to Changi Village Hotel. He had booked a Spa without my knowledge. It was a sweet surprise. We got ourselves into the spa suite, and we dipped into the out-door jacu**i facing the sea. The staff had even given a complimentary blackforest birthday cake and 2 glasses of red wine. We had a good facial, body scrub and massage that day.

This year, I am not expecting anything. Come what may... I have learnt that when you don't expect, everything that comes to you will be become bonus.

As for my 2 lovely sons, I look forward to having them sing birthday songs to me in the evening and blow the candles on my cake, as if its their birthdays. I just simply love them !