My Bravest Move

Today, I had finally made the bravest move in my life. It took me even more courage than saying yes to my hubby's proposal, or going under the knife to give birth to my sons. I actually said to my mum : I love you. Yes, not just in my mind, but I told her right in her face. She heard every single word that I said.

What has driven me to do this was a training that I just attended. It's a training that I was doubtful at first, and I just gave it a try to see what I would get out from it. I went in to the training room without knowing what my goals really are on the first day. By the last day of the training, I experienced lots of emotions - I cried a lot during that few days. But I felt relieved, knowing very clearly who are the most important people in my life, what is my true goal and what I could have contributed but I had been resisted doing so. I also had great discovery about my subconscious behavior and attitude. I decided I must start doing something before its too late.

The first action I took and the first goal I accomplished - I told my mum that I realised she is the most important person in my life. My greatest wish is to see her feeling happy - TRUELY happy. I want to see her let go of her past, her hatred, her misery, and live to the fullest for the rest of her life. When its time for her to go, I want to see her leave in peace, with contentment and a blissful look on her face. Regardless of her poor health or whether or not being able to contribute to my family, when she is happy, I will be happy.

I used to look up to her when I was young. I remembered her as a strong and tough woman. She had been through 2 failed marriages, and ended up having to share the third man with another woman for the rest of her life. But she was still so committed to looking after the family, by preparing every single meals for all of us every day, regardless if she was feeling well or not, just to make sure that we did not have any chance of getting hungry. She made lots of herbal soups for me, despite of me complaining that they didn't taste good. She knew its for the good of my health. My half-sister had illness of fits since she was 8 years old, till the day she passed away when she was 35, the illness never got successfully treated. My mum took her to uncountable number of doctors and mediums for treatments, even when she had lost hopes on the possibility of recovery. When my sister chose to end her life, I could tell how painful my mum was.

This great woman had survived quite a number of surgeries. I remember when I was 4, it was my first time to Mt Alvernia hospital, she was there to remove stone from her liver. That wasn't the first time she had surgery already. When I was 14, she went for the heart bypass surgery. I was told its a critical one as she might die on the table. I waited for hours alone and in fear outside the theatre. I almost couldn't recogise her in the critical care ward, as there were so many tubes on her. One particularly huge tube was stuffed right into her mouth and the life support system produce very loud noise as it compressed and released momentumly . Before the day of the surgery, she was so busy preparing the food that can last for days at home, telling me what to do when she was away. She even told me not to be afraid if she couldn't survive through. But, in deed, she pulled through. 6 years ago, she was diagnose of lung cancer and went through another critical operation. Again, she was prepared for the worse, telling me who to call for help to arrange for the funeral. I could recall the pain in her face with the 2 tubes piercing right into her lung from the side of the body to drain out the water and blood. With her strong will power, she again recovered, and survived through these 6 years. Though she is weaker now, at least she is still mobile. I am so proud of her.

I had a sense of relief after telling her those words, feeling lighter at heart. Its something that I kept for so long, but didn't know how to say it and have no courage to face it. I hope these words could give her the power to move on positively. Maybe, nothing will change, but I know these words are important to her.

I am going to move forward to the next step and start taking actions to achieve my other goals. Friends out there, please give me your full support. Give me the drive that I need to accomplish my goals....